I never thought that i would be this tough. But if i'm starting to compare my life and my suffer from hers, it's just comparable. I saw her cry, everyday. Knowing the reasons she cried everyday. She still manage to wake up every subuh and pray for a better life and good things to happen. I cry less lately, because i know i put a lot of positive thoughts and vibes in me. To be exact, i decide to take all the negativity that's happening to me right now into strength not something that can put me down. It's what i'm going to do with myself every step that i took, every breath that i inhale, every decisions i make, every tears that i shed i make sure that everything is for some reasons. I slowly stop relying on others knowing that there are some peoples are relying on me. Now i think, it doesn't necessary to have a shoulder to cry on, to have peoples to share your happiness with. I mean, i'm not saying you don't need it at all, maybe some of the time. You can't expect people to be there for you like you gonna be there for them. Dugaan Allah dan rezeki yang dia beri hanya dia yang tahu sebabnya, punca disebaliknya, hikmahnya. Other peoples have their own way to manage things in life. How they control their emotions. Their attitudes with others. If you recognise it's all in a cycle. It's either happening to you or it happens to others. You seek for others or others seek for you. So it's you decide which side you wanna to be.
I saw her strength. I'm starting to understand everything that she done to her life. Every decisions that she makes. I saw anger, i saw sadness. Little happiness. Love and kindness to others. When i was stupid back then, i thought she was just too emotional. She drag things and make it worst. But now i'm close to her. So close. I can say we start to negotiate things. reached understandings. Less arguments i suppose. But i started to have the hatred more than her. I understand her decisions. But i know, it's not her desire. It's not what her heart say so. It's what good for others. I know she can't take it anymore. But she have to, she don't have any other alternative to choose. No other route to run away. What is she holding on to is what she have left.
I know, i'm experiencing the same kind of life like hers. But she has been there for so long. twice my years of living. Prove that she is a superwomen. My superwomen. My mum.
I'm here now mum. I'm here for you.