2.42 a.m

Despite that it's utterly hard to control myself from crying these few days because now i'm at home and it's hard for me to distract myself from some small shit and insecure, i manage to do well.

 Like sometimes i think, things around me are not changing at all. I'm stuck at the stage or being a teenager. Having crisis to find a job right now. So yeah, there are like a roadblock for me to enter adulthood.

There are some nights where i just can't hold myself and break into pieces then i randomly blurred it out to any of my best friends. And there they are, being such a good friends being there for me, listen to my craps at 3 in the morning. How can i live without them. Sometimes i guess the only thing that stopping me from killing myself are my friends. Keep reminding me that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to be a cry baby. Telling me that this is what He have decided for me and there's a reason all this things are happening to me. 

And again, the idea of finishing degree is such a horror thing for me. Yeay because i finished all my papers. But nayyy, results are coming out soon enough. It's the thought of what is my last pointer for degree that is killing me right now. Like literally cutting through each of my bones and flesh. 

This is what bothering me right now. And how i wish by crying can make me feel better. And how i wish physically my friends are here for me. I miss them terribly. I just got tired. Tired of being angry. Tired of thinking about dead ends, and everything that isn’t or might not be enough.

night