Tuesday, December 4, 2012

I'm afraid

And again, i was given another punch to my heart. A guy. But the one that have the blood connection with me. I never imagine that all the dramas i watch on tv eventually happens to me. Again and again and again. I don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know how to be strong anymore. People kept saying, 'kau kuat fatin' But the truth, i'm just can't be strong, i just let it hit me and eventually i'll be fine. How do you feel when everything , everyone put the burden on you. Only you. And was hoping you'll be the only person that can save everything. I'm having it right now. 

i scream
i cry
i slept away my sadness
i smile again
i cry again
again and again and again

The only thing that keep me moving on in life is myself. Where i push aside all of those  pain and walk through my life like everything is okay. But at some point, when i stop and just want to rest, all i want to feel at that time is to be happy. Slightest bit of happiness that i wish to taste before feeling miserable again. 
I felt like hitting my face so hard, or maybe cut myself so i can feel. Not going to lie. Those stupid decision about killing myself have always keep playing in my mind. I always keep telling to myself that i can't take this pressure anymore. I just can't. I want to be happy! I want to be normal! I want to have a happy family, lots of friends. So i can focus on everything i do in life. And eventually have a great future ahead. But seems like it felt that all those things fade away bit by bit. I just don't know how to feel anymore. I don't know how to run away from all this chaos. 

Ya Allah, kuatkanlah hati ku Ya Allah. I know i have you close to my heart. I know that you're watching me suffer. Please help me, please :'/

Sometimes, all those fake smile and laugh helps me go through life. I harden my heart. I build up my strength. Because i know, i still have to breath, to live, to go on with life no matter what happen. 

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