I need something that can make me smile the whole day, and wake up on the next day, i still have the reason to smile. I want to feel excited every time i start doing something i love. Reading English novel in a tea shop woth strawberry tea and a croissant serving my evening, holding on to my own DSLR and shoot every moment in my life, travelling around the world back packing and even more important, having someone to hold on to you and wish you life would much easier after that.
I don't know how to put my feelings into words. Things are not in the right track. I plan to wake up in the morning on weekends. But i end up waking up around 12. So lazy to do anything because straight after taking my bath, cook for lunch and solat i continue doing my daily routine. That's watching Gossip girl , that i was supposed to used those time to find step for the flash mob, start designing for the magazine and i don't you, start doing my homework maybe? Gossip girl are like every girls dream. To have the life just like them. But for me, i'm so crazy for their clothing. Like seriously, they are so gorgeous. Those boots. It's like killing me. * knocking my own head to the wall, wake up women. If only you get married with one of the Upper east siders than you will get the life that you want. and it's impossible. Mati hidup kembali pown tak kan dapat.
And again. back to reality.
first off all, let me burst out my heartache here. If you're not into this, find yourself the exit button -.-"
I want to make the choice. Choice on moving on or just hold myself more longer. I always thought if i get older, making decision is easy. But i guess i was wrong. At some point i wish i would just stay in high school or even matriculation life. Where i settle down with good friends and eventually a perfect boyfriend. And now it's ex bf perhaps. You know, back then was like fun. With friends that can actually guide me on the right path and i though my bf that time was my future. Seems life after i move on in universities life, things get complicated. I even called my best friend back in matriculation and cry on the phone how hard life is. Don't hate me and my sensitivity. I was so sure on having a wonderful and new life when i take my first step in taking degree. I never say that degree is no fun. It's just no fun with a lot drama and those fake people. Hard to admit, i'm one of the fakers to. -.-" And those blame on our teenage life and passion on being free.
I was not assure on making my own decision. Especially in relationship. My past relationship taught me that guys like him are just not worth giving a chance. And i guess after that i have this massive black out on falling for a guy. I think that between me and i guy, the limit are just friends. I don't really believe is someone do really read my blog or my post, but actually i have this crush on a guy, i have a guy falling in love with me, and also i'm falling in love with someone bf * this one is so going to stop. trust me -.-" This 3 different situation really hits me and my teenage emotion. And again, don't hate me and my complicated life. But still, all of it doesn't even matter right now because i'm too busy loving my self and my work. It's just a chapter of my life that i wish i can hang it for a while and get back to it in 3 years. After i graduated and own a job. Maybe a car would be lovely. One thing that i'm assure why i did all this to myself. I act like everything is fine but the truth is, life is just going to hit you harder and harder and you can put on those shield that can help you fake everything is lovely. Because i believe everyone face some problems and those problem is not going to deal it by itself. It's you who need to make something happen.
Next about giving myself a treatment. I mean shopping and something that can make me smile at least for a while :)
here a list that i'm so looking forward to have around this year.And if you realize, i do this every year bila ptptn nak masuk :D
- BOOTS! I NEED BOOTS. THIS KIND OF BOOTS
- I need a new pair of jeans? skinny perhaps? pfft.
- Few more t-shirt and maybe Korean clothing.
- Save a bit money for zee dinner dress :) * so looking forward for this.
- Last but not least, owh and btw, this does not involve duit ptptn.
i spill it out today. and i guess it feel good. Being sad all the time is not going to help, but eventually i will get sad over something. Writing helps. And don't hate me for that. Good night laf :*