I hold myself to not think about you. But i'm not a robot to set my brain not to think of you, to delete you totally in my memory. Watching back with what i had done to myself and what i am now, i can pat myself on the back and said 'you're doing well fatin'. I'm in Malacca right now. Even my best friend was shock asking me what is the hell i'm doing here. The plan was just me visited my grandma in Malacca and slept here for a night then drive back to JB. One night stayed in Malacca changed into a week here. I'm glad to be far away from my little brother actually. You know what will happen when you have 2 little brothers who like to have a fight with you just because of a remote control and a broadband -.-". I felt like being in a piece of heaven here at my kampung. Imagine, unlimited wireless, awesome food cook by grandma, drive my aunt anywhere that she want to go almost everyday. Did i already mention free food?
Malacca holds 1000 memories for me. I used to ask him, 'what was the best memories you had with me' and you answered the same thing with the memories that i have in my heart. Trust me, if i drive through that place few years from now , you will be the first person pops out from my head.
If only we were still together, i guess maybe i will having McDonald with you right now. Or maybe went for a movie together. See, i'm having scenes on my head. scenes that i'm not suppose to be having, It's not good. Not good at all. But you know what, Not everything in life is bad stuff. Having this flashbacks and these made up scenes up in my head help me to realize that all of those thing was my past and it will never going to come back to you. How hard you pray, how hard you cry, how hard you beg, It won't come back to you. It's called 'tersedar' . Tersedar yang semua ni cuma mainan hati, mainan setan yg nak buat kau menangis, yang nak buat kau jatuh, and that kind of insecure feelings. no good. no good at all.
and guess what, i manage to tepis it :'D *sorry for my bahasa -.-"
Bila aku sujud atas tikar sejadah, bila aku solat, bila nak tidur, aku sentiasa memaafkan segala dosa-dosa manusia yg buat salah dgn aku tak kira sebesar mana pown.And guess what, i feel calm. I'm not that what people called 'seorang yg kuat imannya' . Tapi cukuplah kalau aku solat 5 waktu dan trust me, i'm trying so hard to be a better person. a better muslimah. It take times :')
So i bet, good things and good effect in life will hit you. We can't see it coming, to feel it come? slowly you will feel it. Allah is helping you. Either he gave you slowly, or hit you even harder so he can reward your strong heart sooner or later. It's called a test. Not a burden. Note that :)
Don't always sulk about what life had hurt you. Please stop it. And stop telling it to the whole wide world about it. People that hurt you normally felt proud if they saw you cry over them. So show to them that you're happy. If you can't, pretend that you're okay. They won't know right. It might hurt them you know.
I just want to write, so it will make me feel better. It's a lie if i said i don't miss my past. The only thing i can do when i miss him i just can see his profile picture. Just that. Cukuplah :')
"Allah never throws you deeper than you can go. He throws you from such a height where He knows yes you may fall, gain a few scratches, and open wounds, but He also knows how much sabr, tolerance and will power you have to stand back up. Yes we all complain, moan and cry saying 'Why Me!' but why do we forget this life is a test; Allah is making you, not breaking you. He is by your side, He is your shadow and your guiding light.." - tumblr