Since mum is sick few months back, i think being permanently here in JB is not making things any better. I'm not sure how was home before this. But i guess me being close to mum and dad doesn't change much. Sacrificing my future for them is nothing for me anymore. I don't expect them to understand what i have done to myself so i can take care of them at home. I don't expect them to realise and appreciate what i have to left behind just to try to make them happy. I would never be that perfect daughter that my parents wanted me to be. Never. I would never be that women which my parents can now depends on since i am now working and stays at home. I try my best. or maybe i'm tired of trying to be a good daughter. because it seems like whatever i do, its either they don't seems to care, or is not good enough. I understand that mum is so sick and she need extra attention. I understand about her massive unpredictable emotions. And i'm getting used to be treated like this. But i'm just too tired to even feel pity to myself. All i ever wanted to do is just to sleep and cry it all away. Hoping that soon, mum is tired treating people around her like this. At least , even know i know that she won't show much, i want to know that she still cares about me. Like a hug or a kiss. The most sincere one. Because i miss that.
It's been a very tough years for me. Years. I believe that Allah is making me a better person by testing me like this. It's hard and crucial pain, physically and definitely emotionally. My friends told me that i am strong. I believe that i am strong. Tears doesn't show you a weak person. It shows that even life is tough, people push you and never ever appreciates you, you yourself are still there for each other. You cry yourself to sleep and you are still the same person who wakes up the next day, moving on with life without regrets.