Holding on.

I know it's been a while. It's always like that. I will eventually come here and write when something is not right, or good things happen. It's either one of this. 

Mum is sick. Like really sick or maybe she is just exaggerate the pain. My kind of physical pain or when i'm sick, i like to let it ease by itself. No seeing doctor till i literally can't stand up. But i never saw mum get this sick. And she being sick (not to be a rude daughter) but it's kinda horrid. Everyone is a victim. She cry a lot. She get mad a lot. And she nag a lot. That one is normal i guess. But me and my dad are just out of option. All kind of treatment we've seek. Except went to the hospital. Cause mum think that hospital kerajaan is not so helpful. She prefer a personal advice and check up. But the point here is, when she is normal, she is one pain in the ass nevertheless i love her the most.  But things get tougher for her, and it makes around her felt miserable to. I'm glad i'm currently working here near to her. It's just sometimes i'm just out of thoughts and out of strength to stay strong for her, and for myself. Knowing that my job is not gonna give her a better life *for now. Not gonna have the chance to send her to perform Hajj *for now. As the eldest i really want to turn my parents life around. But somehow, i don't see yet where is my life going to. And knowing that my mum is sick. My dad is also not in a good health, i feel like i'm stuck thinking that i am an  Atelophobia, which is the fear of being not good enough. 

I don't mind being not good enough for anyone. But for my parents is really the other way around.