Tuesday, May 22, 2012

The awkward moment.

Do you ever have this moment where you were in a place with a person that you don't even sure how you feel. Mad, scare or even glad. In my term, it's not a guy. it's girl. She was not a friend. Not even an enemy. She knows me i guess. But i don't know where do i sit in her life. 'Secretly'  To make it clear, i'm not having a crush with a girl. NO WAY MAN -.-" I'm involve with someone. That i'm not suppose to be. Nahhh, that's better.

I'm hurting myself. And at the same time, i'm taking a risk to hurt someone else. I choose to be this way. But i don't know why. I know i can make the other decision. You know, letting things go. Take a few weeks to be okay. And things will get a bit better. I can choose that kind of path; But i don't want to. Because i don't have faith with myself either i can stay strong holding myself all alone. I know i'm not alone, But the reality for me it's hard to except. Even i can't believe it's hard to fit in in this world. 'fit in'. The word really knock me off from reality. I've tried since high school, matrix, and now adulthood. To actually fit in and let people like you it's not easy and it's not that hard. You must be yourself. But people out there, they judge. And sometime being our self is not going to make us fit in with the environment.   I gave up once when i was in matriculation. I still remember in class, all i ever do was texting my bf and study with this one chinese girl name Jooi Ying. She was everything to me. She was my teacher, my closes classmate. One year past by. She's taking accounting in USM. And we do still talk to each other. Fitting in life with her was a great experience in life.  Thanks to her, i survive my teenage life in matrix life.

So, here comes the reality. Adulthood. Gosh, i make myself sound old. Teenage life. Serious teenage life. Universities life. More complicated than i thought. Don't let me start nag. I've been here for like 2 years. jumping into three. Ya Allah, dugaan dia. T.T. Imagine this big balloon of life. Where you keep huffing and puffing air into it. Let imagine that the air is all the mix memories, all of them. Sad, happy, horror, pain and all of the story in life. Waiting it for burst is like waiting for something that you are not sure off. You are prepare to let it go BOOM! but your scared to death. That is life for me right now.

I try to let myself learn how to be more responsible. How to make people eventually like me. Senang kata, nak jaga hati orang lah. Not as it in love with me or something. Just they feel comfortable with me. Sometime, i think, I'm the one who making effort to be fit in with a bunch of people. Even how hard i tried. it's not working. So eventually i gave up and just being this zombie and walk in life like i'm heartless. True story. for now. Or maybe, this is how life work out on everyone.

Not everyone going to like you, because face the fact that you yourself don't even like some of the people in your own life don't cha?

Dear you, i was missing you so much that  sometime giving up was my last choice. But eventually, i can't. I'm always like this. Having the thought of staying strong, but actually my words, is not louder than word. Not loud enough. When i was with her, i can actually feel the pain that she hold if she knows the truth. I've been in her place once in life. It hurt badly. I don't know why, but i have a bit regret in myself knowing you. if i can turn back in time, i wish to erase all the part where i know you. Where i always said i hate you. and see where are we standing right now. I'm in love with you and i need to face the fact that you the love that you gave me back is not real. In dreams i think. But reality, this is all fake. I need someone to occupy the emptiness in my heart, and you were there. If i let you go, there's a hole inside me screaming for help. Shivering in coldness. i can make the choice letting you go and wait for the right time to be in love. But i'm taking the risk to get hurt. again and again and again. No matter what you do. i forgive you. Because i was taught that one day all the sacrifice will be worth it. I've gave up once before. I'm not ready to let my heart free. I put her in a cage, and torture her with all the pain that i choose to be in. It was my false.

Dear heart, please stay strong. I need you. Please stay strong. :')   

Ya Allah, bukalah pintu hati hamba mu ini untuk sentiasa berdoa dan tak pernah mengalah 

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