Wednesday, March 14, 2012

don't hate me for being such a fragile

Pressure is making me so tense up. 3 days till the programme start.Works are piling up, and i end up eating myself bit by bit. I even can't remember where is the hell i put my FRS book. The book is like huge. Being busy is good. But being too busy is going to turn your world up side down. My world up side down actually.
I miss my family so bad. I miss my friend more than anything. I miss home. I miss being happy. I miss being fine, being okay. I hate to start nagging to people why is my life so miserable. I hate to talk so much but i tend to be so talkative and i have the thought of people hate me being so talkative. Worst! i have the thought of people really hates me and just pretend that they like me in front of me. Because i judge people, and people will judge me. Every people have their own weakness. Their own attitude that sometime people won't understand why they behave like that. I make my mistake by judging people and i do talk. I hate that. And i really want to change. It hold me for a while, the thought of what i really want in life. I;m just to afraid to admit. That all i ever want in life is attention. The care, love and perfect feeling of being in love or to be love :')

Clearly said and see that i'm not suppose to fall for you. But why i did? why did i have the courage to let you fall for me. Or worst, i let myself hurt whereas i already know since the first day we know each other that what happen between us is not okay. Not going to be okay at all. I let myself fall for you, let myself cry for you. Just so you know, this is just me being myself, letting people cut out my heart out and throw it away. I know that i'm not suppose to give my heart back to you. But what i do is, i pick the heart that you never tend to care about, wipe those dirt on it, and give it back to you. With no regret. This is just me. The real me. Sooner or later this will have to end. You told me so. I told you so. But can we? I'm not addicted to you at all. I just want you to be there for me. But still, we both know it's wrong. So wrong. I want to make the first move on letting you go. But i prefer to just let myself get hurt again than again.But hey, like i said, sooner or later, this drama of us, will come to an end. One of us must make a move. Will i? will you? will us have the will to be apart? I'm just to happy every time you care about me. But i'm so hurt every time you start ignoring me. The worst part is, i don't have the right to be mad. because we are nothing since the first place. 

I'm too happy and too hurt at the same time. hurt

If only i  have the guts to make the decision to be with you. But seriously, i'm not ready. To be exact, i'm afraid to be with someone. Because heart break hurts more than cutting myself. I remember the last time he left me. Hopeless, clueless. And eventually when we both straight it out, he put the blame on me. But still, i love him. He was the best person i ever met. Yup, he hurt me. So badly. But when he left me in cold. I crawl back to him, beg him to except me. People said, time heal heartbreaks. They do. 3 month in counting. And i still missing him, sometimes. All i do is i stare at his photo and cry. Cry as if a small tears and a smirk. I move on. but i miss being happy when i was with him. Only him. True story :')

Don't hate me for being such a fragile. I'm done now. 

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