Friday, December 2, 2011

I'm forcing myself, but i'm fine :)

I'm just out of words to actually tell how's my life being for the past few weeks. But one thing that i'm assure of. I spend a lot of my time watching Gossip Girl more than i sleep in a day. Seriously, they're addictive -.-". It's like drug, my life is not even complete without watching it. haha. Funny to say that i'm mumbling to myself that i need more time for my study that i didn't realize i finish most of them watching Gossip Girl. I know it's a waste. All the time that i can actually use to finish my assignment and focus on my upcoming final exam. 

THIS IS THE CUTEST COUPLE OF ALL. their behavior are so annoying and cute at the same time :)
How i wish my life were like them. Adventurous but minus the sex life of course -.-"

hahaha. I know eating will make you fat. It's been like a month i guess i never weight my body. The last time is with Syed. And it piss me off! hallo, angka 6 kot. But still, i'm not fat, i'm just heavy. Too heavy. But my old classmate said that i'm thin :D awesome right. It makes me feel good actually to know the truth that even i eat a lot, people still called me kurus. Maybe because i'm so having this big impact about my assignment and classes. It had been a very stressful month you know. Regarding that there is only one month left for me before i actually finish my 3rd semester :) EAT EAT EAT. eating just make me feel better. 

People have problems, so do i. Eventually all i want to spill out here is about how much hatred i have inside of me towards my own life. It's not that bad actually, maybe it's about the environment i'm  in. The people around me that love to judge and make their own assumption. The different behavior that i really tried to understand. The fake smile and happy face that i make just to cover the heartache i'm going true. To actually make a differences between a good friend or a friend with benefit. Or it's just me. People just think, people just assume. I do things that's hurting myself, my heart just to be happy for others. Or maybe responsibility. I don't know, i hate the person that i be right now. 

Not thinking straight when doing something. Too stressful about something. Push things too hard on myself. And sometimes i just make things worst not even close to make me feel a bit better. I force myself to be in trouble, to be happy, and at the same time i guess i make people don't feel comfortable with me. 
I'm not in a zone of desperation. *maybe a little but not that desperate. I guess being a student, with tones of assignment, works, classes, jobs and all sort of activities just make me wanna feel fine. I mean, someone can just be there for me. At least a text saying 'i wish your going to be fine, i know it had been a very rough week for you, i just want you to know that i will always be there' See, i'm writing notes for myself. Maybe sound a bit pathetic but i want this to happen to me. People start to care, been shower by sweet texts and fake goodnight kiss on phone. I miss all this. I miss being in a relationship. But at this point, i don't think it's the right time to actually think about it. Not because i don't want to. It's because i'm tired with all the lies and fake feeling that i used to make few years back. when i was in a relationship. I thought it will be my last relationship before i settle down with my life, but i guess i was wrong. I have a lot more about life that i really need to learn.

I'm having a crush. maybe too much crush i guess -.-"

about my old love that i can't eventually let go. it's making my heart burn into pieces. I pick it up and put it back together i guess. and still waiting for it to get burn again and again. I know i make a dumb of myself for you. But my heart says 'it's okay, i can still bare the pain' 

hey baby, thanks for sticking out with me all this years. I know that we can't spend time for each other. One thing i knew, when we are together, just death can tear us apart. imy :') 
playing around together at the wedding was the most memorable day i have in November. tq

So hello December. It's kinda fast reaching December already don;t you think? It's like i was just celebrating my 20th birthday yesterday :') I'm still searching for a piece of me that is lost inside my head right now. I mean, i'm getting older, but it seems like nothing is right. The piece of happiness is still not there for me. I want to be okay about it. InsyaALLAH, panjang umur, i will change my life bit by bit. Another one semester before i finish my 2nd year study as an accounting student. And it's freaking hard! tak pe. Belajar memang susah. One month before final and working is piling up on my head. Wait for the 4th semester, i just don't want to be the person who will be send to Tanjung Rambutan -.-". So December, BE NICE. PLEASE!

good day everyone. :) till then.

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