i'm not strong enough

i felt like screaming this to you,

near to your ears, and hope it strike your brain, 

straight to the nerve, so you can get mentally ill for what you had done to me.

i don't know, maybe you realize that you hurt me so much,

i was so stupid back then,

to kept hurting myself for you, do you want to know why the reason i did that?

at first i thought that if i make myself stupid,

sound pathetic,

you will appreciate me more, love me for who i am,

i did that all because of you,

i become stupid enough just to show that i care about you,

that i willing to do anything for you,

trust me, if you ask me to bend down to my knee and beg for you, i will actually, sound stupid huh?

i will do that all, because i love you,

but i guess, there's some kind of feelings,

the feelings of giving up,

not giving up my life, GIVING UP ON YOU.

all this time, this is how i fell.

i'm taking back all my words,

taking back all my promise for you,

i'm starting to hate you more and more,

not even a single sympathy for you my friend,

live your life now, you're free from my secure,

i guess i need to start forgetting you, and it's not worth it to fight for you,

because it never gave me any benefit.

i love you too much, and it hurts myself.

trust me, i'm going to stop worried about this,

because I've been blind by your love,

actually, it was never there for me. 

thank you for being in my life,

for making me happy once in my life,

for being there to make me laugh,

to make me felt secure even there're nothing between us,

to actually care about me,

and eventually i know the truth,

that hopes and dreams for you, for us, we never there. 

thank you.

i never want this to happen, 

you know right,

if i don't mention it to you, 

deep inside your heart, 

that this is not i ever want to happen,

leaving you , hating you, was the last thing i want to do,

it's just the time to actually give up is here,

it had been years I've been holding on to this feelings.

i'm taking a deep breath and say to myself,

i need to let go, i must let you go.

you used to ask me once about this,

what does true love means :

i sit down on my bed, hugging it tight, so hard because you once said:

sayang dia macam you sayang i tau, sampai tua. 

i know that i loose you years ago,

i never get the chance to make things right,

i'm sorry for not being the best that you want.

as long i have these memories of us in my mind,

every single of it, 

i will never ever forget you.

and i promise, just this one that i will hold until forever:

as long as i'm alive, i will hold these memories of us close to my heart

i cry hard tonight, just flashing through my life,

what's going on to me, why is this happening to me. 

i hug myself tight, 

it's okay fatin, life hard. 

i always want to be happy. everyone does.

everything happen for a reason. so be strong

“Don’t be sad, Allah is with us” [9:40]

insyaALLAH :')