I'm not satisfying nobody.

Hey, it's that time of the month again. haha.

It's the time of the month that i need some small closure to myself. 

Sometimes that tell to myself. How stupid am i in people perceptions. Not stupid, that kinda harsh. Not saying that we should consider change for sake of others. But sometimes you just want to know what people kinda think bout you. And i did. And when people said it, i believe it's kinda true. But i'm not sure if it's a good thing or not. I tried to say no. Try to hate. But i just can't. And starting from that, i believe being nice is not a crime.

They said, i'm so easily open up to people. Hard to say no. When i truly love something, i'll love it forever. Literally forever. Even it's pain, i can still have heart for it. 

Because i just wish that you read this, and deep inside me, i believe that we are still friends. I'm not asking for any sympathy or forgiveness. it's not either any of our false. It's kinda personal. And i never thought even for a second this will caused our friendship.  Because i thought friends are suppose to be okay with arguments even the big one.  Because i thought friends are suppose to call each others stupid names and be okay with that. Because i thought even how much you hate them for not being a good friends, loosing them are just such a pain. And i thought, i really really thought,  if we are friends, we are suppose to be okay with each other regardless how suck things happen between us. 

But how even the slightest mistake that i have done had caused us our friendship, what are we at the first place? Fakers? Because i think this, what we are having right now. Those ignorant. Are just unpredictable. For got sake, i really want you to know that i literally cry. And i just don't know why. Because i swear that i never thought it is sooooo easy for you to throw it away just like that. For that one single arguments. You just mumbling it out just like you don't really care at all. Even we're not the closest one, i just don't really know why i cry. It's kinda harsh. Because it's just a simple explanation. I cared about you. And i love you. Doesn't mean when i argue or say something, i have the attention to bring you down or anything. but yeah, it hit me hard and i don't really know why i care so much about it. Or maybe like what people said:-

kau penyeri hidup kitaorang, kawan an, besar mana salah kau, alah, pandang sebelah mata je lah. kata kawan. 

And there where is my roll came in. The one who tried so hard to fix everything and end up broken herself for it. When it takes me years to really really give up on something. 

Because of one simple thing, the one that normal friends can just slipped it away, you decide to crush it in your palm and throw it to my face. You know what, i'll catch it. I know it's crumbled, but i plan to keep it and see how much time you need or maybe none for you to ask for it back. we'll see. 

“We don’t mean 

to hurt each other 

but we do. 

and perhaps 

no matter how 

right we are for 

each other, 

we’ll always be a little 

too wrong.”

—	Beau Taplin