Because it's kinda confusing. Every single things that happen sometime doesn't make sense at all. Macam bila-bila je Allah boleh tarik nikmat 'happiness' tu dari kita. But i always wanted to look at the bigger picture. What will it do to my future. When you're afraid what and how your own future is going to be. And it scares the shit out of me knowing that time is moving so fast. Things are just uncontrollable. Things that you never thought it will happen eventually happen.
Sometimes it takes me years to realise something was not meant to fight for. Sometimes it takes only one simple gesture to fill your heart with hopes. Sometimes it takes only few days to stop hoping for something impossible. Sometimes it takes even hope to make you feel again. But all of this is confusing and sometimes it doesn't bring you anywhere close to being happy. Knowing that life are always going to be full of surprises. It's either you prepare yourself for good things or bad things are going to happen. Or keep feeling shitty about yourself cause you can't fix something from your past.
And how i wish can have the power to erase memories and hopes that easy. But that was the things that kept me alive all this years of living. I cried like a baby, but at the end, it was nothing much to be cry for. It was just doing something just to take out from your system. Cherish even the slightest things you did. Event at the end it never work out.
I've prepare for myself to face the worst in future. I can imagine it now. Even i might face it alone. Gonna have some more late emotional nights. But whatever it is, the most thing that matters are how i'm going to cover it to make it just a part of my life. Like it shouldn't be much of a burden on someone. On me. But lets future me figure it out how.
Like right now, I've been putting myself in some sort of confusing situation every once in a month. And maybe the reason i'm writing right now because it's currently hitting me so bad. *second day. Yup, insecurities making a visit like usual. But at this time of the month actually taught me to think deep on something. And i guess it's kinda good for me. To filtered myself on something. Digesting some sort of not so huge problems but i kinda make it a big deal out of it.
How i wish there's a switch in my brain or for my heart. Where i can just switch if off when i want it to. Where there's a remote control for my body to function well and don't mess stuff. Or where i can control my emotion and not to be too insecure or too stupid. Where once it's overrun on something it just shut down. reboot and like refresh.
Allah have his own way to test us. To bring us back to him.
Maybe, he is asking me to turn back to him. And i miss crying out my misery to him.