Depression

“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”

— Elizabeth Wurtzel

Tired

Since mum is sick few months back, i think being permanently here in JB is not making things any better. I'm not sure how was home before this. But i guess me being close to mum and dad doesn't change much. Sacrificing my future for them is nothing for me anymore. I don't expect them to understand what i have done to myself so i can take care of them at home. I don't expect them to realise and appreciate what i have to left behind just to try to make them happy. I would never be that perfect daughter that my parents wanted me to be. Never. I would never be that women which my parents can now depends on since i am now working and stays at home. I try my best. or maybe i'm tired of trying to be a good daughter. because it seems like whatever i do, its either they don't seems to care, or is not good enough. I understand that mum is so sick and she need extra attention. I understand about her massive unpredictable emotions. And i'm getting used to be treated like this. But i'm just too tired to even feel pity to myself. All i ever wanted to do is just to sleep and cry it all away. Hoping that soon, mum is tired treating people around her like this. At least , even know i know that she won't show much, i want to know that she still cares about me. Like a hug or a kiss. The most sincere one. Because i miss that. 

It's been a very tough years for me. Years. I believe that Allah is making me a better person by testing me like this. It's hard and crucial pain, physically and definitely emotionally. My friends told me that i am strong. I believe that i am strong. Tears doesn't show you a weak person. It shows that even life is tough, people push you and never ever appreciates you, you yourself are still there for each other. You cry yourself to sleep and you are still the same person who wakes up the next day, moving on with life without regrets. 

Holding on.

I know it's been a while. It's always like that. I will eventually come here and write when something is not right, or good things happen. It's either one of this. 

Mum is sick. Like really sick or maybe she is just exaggerate the pain. My kind of physical pain or when i'm sick, i like to let it ease by itself. No seeing doctor till i literally can't stand up. But i never saw mum get this sick. And she being sick (not to be a rude daughter) but it's kinda horrid. Everyone is a victim. She cry a lot. She get mad a lot. And she nag a lot. That one is normal i guess. But me and my dad are just out of option. All kind of treatment we've seek. Except went to the hospital. Cause mum think that hospital kerajaan is not so helpful. She prefer a personal advice and check up. But the point here is, when she is normal, she is one pain in the ass nevertheless i love her the most.  But things get tougher for her, and it makes around her felt miserable to. I'm glad i'm currently working here near to her. It's just sometimes i'm just out of thoughts and out of strength to stay strong for her, and for myself. Knowing that my job is not gonna give her a better life *for now. Not gonna have the chance to send her to perform Hajj *for now. As the eldest i really want to turn my parents life around. But somehow, i don't see yet where is my life going to. And knowing that my mum is sick. My dad is also not in a good health, i feel like i'm stuck thinking that i am an  Atelophobia, which is the fear of being not good enough. 

I don't mind being not good enough for anyone. But for my parents is really the other way around. 

A self care list

•  push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

• push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 

• get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 

• stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.
•  buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

•  buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

• strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

• organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

•  have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

•  push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

• message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

•  think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

• become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

•  lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Source : tumblr

And literally almost half of this i'm currently doing for myself. Self five! It's worth it. It's actually ways for you to appreciate yourself. More like self cleansing.