tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-21063410269023189102024-03-06T06:06:38.045+08:00my lullaby storiesfatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.comBlogger1068125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-19573621734756803102015-02-24T12:11:00.003+08:002015-02-24T12:11:23.894+08:00Starting fresh <div style="text-align: justify;">
I guess, since I've already neglecting this blog for a very long time, i decide to start over. Never, since day one i start blogging i decide to ditch this one. Never change the URL. I kept blogging and writing craps and stuff for years now. Sometimes i went back to my first post just to reminiscing 'good' old memories. I was so tak matang back then. Everyone does. I guess back then, every person who have a blog had their 'tak matang' post. </div>
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So guys, (if there are still people who are reading this blog) i've decide to let this blog rotted and change to wordpress.</div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">https://nurfatins.wordpress.com/</span></b><br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">the end </span></b></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-62341916682046932292014-11-19T18:53:00.001+08:002014-11-19T18:53:57.504+08:00expecting something unreal <div style="text-align: justify;">
So basically i'm currently still in office and it's 6.30 p.m. someone just called me a work maniac. I have to agree with that. Seem it's like my nature since back then while i was doing my practical. I prefer to stay in the office till like 8 pm then i'll drive back home. </div>
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Writing this post is just because tomorrow is my birthday. yup, it's my freaking 23rd birthday. And even while writing this it put a smile on my face. What is funny about it is nothing. Just like any previous year, i think the last time i went out to celebrate my birthday was 2 years ago. I can't remember what i did last year. Owh wait, it was during my practical months, not even a single human being in the office knew it was my birthday that day. except for the akk kerani, cause she add me on facebook. Balik rumah and there was this cake that that ibu bought for me, i think i ate the whole cake by myself. But this year definitely gonna be same old same old. </div>
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What with the expecting the unreal ? I guess i always wanted to celebrate my birthday with my close friends. All of them at once. Since 2 of my best friends are in KL, one of them are in JB but still studying. Basically i'll go for a date with all of them one by one if any of them are in JB or free. Cause i met all of them in different place. High school best friend, matriculation neighbors and tuition mate i guess. Every year i always wish for something special. on my birthday. I guess all of us are. Some are lucky to have a group of friends make a small party for you, family who gather together and sing a birthday song for you. And the luckiest person ever to have a boyfriend that filled your room with balloon, flowers, cakes, play and sing for you a birthday songs, and said 'i'm glad that you were born and god let us be together' Best feelings ever don't you think? There, i said it. Cheesy me wishing all this ridiculous things will happen to me tomorrow on my birthday. I watched too much movies and stalk lots of pretty girls on intsa. haha. </div>
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Maybe tomorrow i should go buy myself some fresh flowers, treat myself a birthday cake with a huge cup of starbucks, buy those Lang Leav book that i've been craving so bad *which is tunggu gaji and maybe go watch hunger games! THANK YOU FOR RELEASING THE MOVIE ON MY BIRTHDAY. best birthday present ever!!! :)</div>
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I'll write more soon about how gladdddd i am turning 23! </div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-11469495530865872622014-11-18T15:07:00.000+08:002014-11-18T15:07:21.804+08:00Will you do the same for me?<div>
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Because I've been taking care of others feelings. And I've sacrifice my own for few months now. I thought i'm strong enough to resist things, peoples and feelings that can put me down, can make me insecure. After years, i still failed. Or maybe i'm too good on letting these emotional pain eating me inside. And i thought at some point i can become resist to any heartache. Both from the peoples i love and also strangers. Up till now, i sometimes cry all byself and let the sadness eats me alive. And fake laugh, music, lot of sleeping and some of the nights i spend with crying and regreting, then i'll be fine. I don't really know what is wrong with myself. Should i seek any help? But one thing i know, i always have to fix my relationship with the one who created me. I always wanted a guy who can guide me and remind me abt solat, abt being a better muslim. I know this is random, but i really do. Or is it the other way around? Where you help people, and guide them at the same time it will turn back to you. Where you do good deeds to others and you hope people will do the same?</div>
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Insecurities sucks big time </div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-70348964760799242912014-11-08T11:05:00.003+08:002014-11-08T11:53:44.144+08:00Graduation<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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To waiting for this day to come are just too dreadful but at the same time, i create a new history in my life and for my family. So it should be remembered for the rest of my life. Because I've been complaining how study life was a pain in the ass like all the time. So this time, is about me leaving study life for good. I guess. I would like to thanks like tonnes of peoples in my life right now. The one who are still there for me, or doesn't. Being a student was the best time of my life. I learned a lot during that period of time. Failure, heartbreaks, friendships, love, sacrifice, alone and to whatever emotions and situations i was experiencing that time taught me and made me become what i am today. I don't expect people to see me in different way, but i know myself more than anyone else. I become this completely different person that i never thought i will be. And till now, i'm so thankful to every route that i have been through, that Allah had put me in the past several years up till today. Grateful to whoever had stick with me throughout my 23 years of life. I guess i would really like to close this chapter of my life, but hold this tight to myself. because it was a pretty good and wonderful memories. I want to let it to stay the way it are. Because right now i'm entering the phase of adulthood. Which i guess must be tougher. But i have my strength. i guess i know how to take control of my own feelings or any situation i'm in. My purpose of life is to seek satisfaction in life and happiness which is to put myself, family and my friends as my priority. Because i believe both happiness and pain are a gift from Allah. He let us feel. He let us cry. He let us laugh. All with a reason. Alhamdullilah for everything. I'm proud of myself. *self five*<br />
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-14276729008483149802014-10-20T09:54:00.002+08:002014-10-20T09:54:51.680+08:00Depression <div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">“That’s the thing about depression: A human being can survive almost anything, as long as she sees the end in sight. But depression is so insidious, and it compounds daily, that it’s impossible to ever see the end.”</span></div>
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— Elizabeth Wurtzel</div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-10334841440598985452014-10-19T21:10:00.000+08:002014-10-19T21:10:02.173+08:00Tired<div style="text-align: justify;">
Since mum is sick few months back, i think being permanently here in JB is not making things any better. I'm not sure how was home before this. But i guess me being close to mum and dad doesn't change much. Sacrificing my future for them is nothing for me anymore. I don't expect them to understand what i have done to myself so i can take care of them at home. I don't expect them to realise and appreciate what i have to left behind just to try to make them happy. I would never be that perfect daughter that my parents wanted me to be. Never. I would never be that women which my parents can now depends on since i am now working and stays at home. I try my best. or maybe i'm tired of trying to be a good daughter. because it seems like whatever i do, its either they don't seems to care, or is not good enough. I understand that mum is so sick and she need extra attention. I understand about her massive unpredictable emotions. And i'm getting used to be treated like this. But i'm just too tired to even feel pity to myself. All i ever wanted to do is just to sleep and cry it all away. Hoping that soon, mum is tired treating people around her like this. At least , even know i know that she won't show much, i want to know that she still cares about me. Like a hug or a kiss. The most sincere one. Because i miss that. </div>
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It's been a very tough years for me. Years. I believe that Allah is making me a better person by testing me like this. It's hard and crucial pain, physically and definitely emotionally. My friends told me that i am strong. I believe that i am strong. Tears doesn't show you a weak person. It shows that even life is tough, people push you and never ever appreciates you, you yourself are still there for each other. You cry yourself to sleep and you are still the same person who wakes up the next day, moving on with life without regrets. </div>
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<br />fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-62591466347062000732014-09-29T18:18:00.004+08:002014-09-29T18:18:47.493+08:00Holding on. <div style="text-align: center;">
I know it's been a while. It's always like that. I will eventually come here and write when something is not right, or good things happen. It's either one of this. </div>
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Mum is sick. Like really sick or maybe she is just exaggerate the pain. My kind of physical pain or when i'm sick, i like to let it ease by itself. No seeing doctor till i literally can't stand up. But i never saw mum get this sick. And she being sick (not to be a rude daughter) but it's kinda horrid. Everyone is a victim. She cry a lot. She get mad a lot. And she nag a lot. That one is normal i guess. But me and my dad are just out of option. All kind of treatment we've seek. Except went to the hospital. Cause mum think that hospital kerajaan is not so helpful. She prefer a personal advice and check up. But the point here is, when she is normal, she is one pain in the ass nevertheless i love her the most. But things get tougher for her, and it makes around her felt miserable to. I'm glad i'm currently working here near to her. It's just sometimes i'm just out of thoughts and out of strength to stay strong for her, and for myself. Knowing that my job is not gonna give her a better life *for now. Not gonna have the chance to send her to perform Hajj *for now. As the eldest i really want to turn my parents life around. But somehow, i don't see yet where is my life going to. And knowing that my mum is sick. My dad is also not in a good health, i feel like i'm stuck thinking that i am an Atelophobia, which is the fear of being not good enough. </div>
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<b><i>I don't mind being not good enough for anyone. But for my parents is really the other way around. </i></b></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-38826532817975763342014-08-30T09:53:00.002+08:002014-08-30T09:57:10.538+08:00A self care list<ul>
<li> push yourself to get up before the rest of the world - start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.</li>
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<li>push yourself to fall asleep earlier - start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. </li>
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<li>get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. </li>
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<li>stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.</li>
<li> buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.</li>
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<li> buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.</li>
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<li>strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.</li>
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<li>organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.</li>
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<li> have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.</li>
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<li> push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.</li>
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<li>message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.</li>
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<li> think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. </li>
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<li>become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.</li>
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<li> lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.</li>
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Source : tumblr</div>
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And literally almost half of this i'm currently doing for myself. Self five! It's worth it. It's actually ways for you to appreciate yourself. More like self cleansing. </div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-14417248180509843662014-08-27T16:43:00.000+08:002014-08-27T16:44:04.723+08:00At some point<div style="text-align: center;">
Where at some point in life you wish you can have choices in life. Choices that can change everything, that can make things better, that can eventually turn things around for a while. </div>
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And at some point you wish that for so long you being heartless, you wish that you have feelings. That how deep you buried inside something, It'll will outgrown you one day.</div>
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At some point you just need to hug someone, cry in front of them, cry till you fall asleep in someone's hug that for years now you can keep telling people that you are okay, and you cry yourself so hard all by yourself and be okay every time it hits you. </div>
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At some point, you miss some part of your life that you wish you can remake that moment. </div>
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At some point you wish that being in loved and to be loved is so easy. </div>
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At some point , like right now. I wish and pray lots of things to happen to me. Good things. Things that can make me believe that i can be happy. Like on top of the world happy. But i believe and i have to force myself to believe. Good things takes lots of time. </div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-40270759314721245252014-08-20T12:15:00.000+08:002014-08-20T12:15:14.697+08:00It's okay to be broken<div style="text-align: center;">
I reached my limit yesterday. I keep saying myself that i'm okay. But actually i'm not. But i'm getting better on hiding it somehow. I manage to hold on to it for 3 months. The last time i broke down that bad was during my last few days being in Selangor. Physically i'm just stress about being fat. *yup, it's funny. But mentally I've tried to challenge myself to be positive all the time. Like literally every second of my life. Imagine that i can cry without screaming to anyone for few hours. So yeah, bursting out and broken so bad last few days actually cleanse me. </div>
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<b><b>And now, i'm back to square one. </b></b></div>
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<b> Have the courage to change</b></div>
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Truly, I believe the only way out of depression is to listen to what the darkness is trying to tell you and change your life accordingly. I've been shocked sometimes by what I've learned and heard in those darkest moments, but as long as you trust your heart and soul and what they're trying to tell you, you will find the brightness again. The light is right there waiting for you to turn the corner and see it. It will get better, and then you will be so grateful and happy that you had the courage to get through the darkness awake and alive. <i>Always remember that after the darkest storm is when the rainbows come out.</i></div>
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I'm currently working right now. But truth to be told. My current job is kinda boring. The only peoples that i communicate everyday are my 2 bosses that is Chinese. And the foreign workers. Owh ya and the company that we shared the office space with. Which is 3/4 persons. That are also Chinese. I'm more kinda person that love to be challenged and pressured. Because it makes you wanna do something that you would never thought that you have the ability to do. Make you talk to strangers and somehow it helps you to grow up. Enlarged your circle of life.And the good news is, after all the toughest weeks i've been through. I just received a phone call that tell me i have a job interview this week. And the job opportunity are the want that i really crave for since i finished my study. Being an Auditor. I want this so bad. My dream was crushed so bad after i was rejected by the few company that i really want to work in. Academically i'm not good enough for them. But working right now in this small company was a stepping stone for me. </div>
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Tapi rezeki tu selalu ada kalau kita tak pernah berhenti meminta. Tak pernah berhenti berharap. Tak pernah berhenti berdoa. You may not get something that you really want in your life. For example, being rich, have a partner in life, make someone proud, go for a random vacation or anything. But it was replaced by others. It's what i need. Not my desire.<br />
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My interview is tomorrow. Wish me luck :)</div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-33470306348208663152014-08-17T19:52:00.001+08:002014-08-17T19:52:32.597+08:00NeverDid you ever once, just cry so hard and lay on the floor and you keep crying and crying hoping that someone will come to you, hug you and hold you tight saying that everything is going to be okay. And no one came. You are still laying on the floor and cry till it all dries up on your face. <div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I just did. And why? Because somehow i feel like i'm never gonna be good enough to make anyone happy. And i'm not good enough to be with anyone. And i'm not gonna be good enough to make someone proud. Even to my own parents. </div>fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-55821345899790562342014-08-12T15:47:00.002+08:002014-08-13T11:16:56.394+08:00So calm yet still confused <div style="text-align: center;">
I've been doing fine. If anybody ever think about asking spiritually. But things are calm. Yet still so confused. I was prepare for this. Being responsible long time ago. But knowing that it's not me figuring out what is adult life feels like. It's me. Physically me working my ass out to start living. I keep seeing people who had graduated telling peoples study life was more fun. And here i am, wishing that i have the money in the world, supportive parents, all the time to re-design my life. Like movies or rich kids stories. Where you can choose having a life rather than force to create a life that you don't have hearts to. What do i want? Just like peoples saw in movies. I wanna travel. Meet new peoples. Crossing lots of things in my bucket list. Further my studies overseas. Travel and travel again. And this, meet the love of my life. Or maybe we bring this to the front. Do all of these with the love of my life. Cheesy huh? I'm kinda liddat. It's not a crime to dream. maybe dreams that makes you alive. Hoping for miracles and never stop praying is what heals your heart. Maybe knowing that i still believe in hopes and miracles calm me down. manage to wake me up every morning and let me done with my life at the office and went to bed everyday. But the confusing and waiting part about my ability to eventually pursue my dreams and change the path of my life confused me. </div>
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<i><b>You can think you know. But don't over-think</b></i></div>
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<br />fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-11034921627178931482014-07-27T17:32:00.002+08:002014-07-27T17:32:41.783+08:00I'm Graduating<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This November. The three of us. Wearing the same jubah and the same hat. May be in different size.But yeah, WE ARE GRADUATING THIS YEAR. </div>
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Alhamdullilah. This is not for me. It's for both of my parents. My left foot is already in the zone of adulthood. </div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-37243464156338550782014-07-27T17:13:00.002+08:002014-07-27T17:13:43.405+08:00My bits of happiness <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I found my happiness in bits of what i do for my life. Friends, books, cats, sunset, laughter, even sleep. </div>
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I deeply believe that if you work hard enough, never ever wanna give up, keep praying, you'll get what you want. Not in a bunch or in a huge parcel. Bit by bit. You may not realise this because some people are just love to keep complaining. This is not good enough. That thing are just horrible to live with. I hate being like this. How can i be just like them. Why they can have it and i can't. Am i not going to be good enough. These kind of questions that show some peoples are sometime never going to feel satisfy having something. When people are moving fast forward. I decide to take a step back every time this questions haunts me. I look back and see what things have change me. Regain back my self conscious. How? By crying and praying. By believing in myself that i can do it. Restrain myself not to overreact and over-think. Knowing that what i'll done next is rational enough and gonna makes me happy and no regret. But how can someone control themselves doing such things. Literally you can't live in life full of positivity neither negativity. Both gonna haunts you well. So basically, what i did is, whatever decisions that i make, even it hurts. I'll say to myself. No regret. Learn and live with it. </div>
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I took every bit things that i did in life and pull out positivity out of it. Being alone give you self therapy. Not too depending on someone is self cleansing. Try talk to yourself. I know it sounds crazy, but i called it self meditations. And nope, i didn't get any of these in books. Because doing this helps me to be what i am today. I'm learning to grow up. Among us, we ourselves is the only person who understand what we've been through in life. Those suffering, those small problems, pinch of uncomfortable feelings you think that you need to share it. Try to digest it yourself. People won't understand it as well as you feeling it at that moment, Yes, it'll definitely bring you a bit comfort to share, but don't be to dependable on people. You grew older, less friends, less people you can trust. out of 10, maybe 2 who really cares. I soon believe that i stop crying in bed. I cry a lot to God. Alhamdullilah :')</div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-29887926321809063312014-07-19T20:04:00.000+08:002014-07-19T20:04:21.115+08:00Superwomen<div style="text-align: center;">
I never thought that i would be this tough. But if i'm starting to compare my life and my suffer from hers, it's just comparable. I saw her cry, everyday. Knowing the reasons she cried everyday. She still manage to wake up every subuh and pray for a better life and good things to happen. I cry less lately, because i know i put a lot of positive thoughts and vibes in me. To be exact, i decide to take all the negativity that's happening to me right now into strength not something that can put me down. It's what i'm going to do with myself every step that i took, every breath that i inhale, every decisions i make, every tears that i shed i make sure that everything is for some reasons. I slowly stop relying on others knowing that there are some peoples are relying on me. Now i think, it doesn't necessary to have a shoulder to cry on, to have peoples to share your happiness with. I mean, i'm not saying you don't need it at all, maybe some of the time. You can't expect people to be there for you like you gonna be there for them. Dugaan Allah dan rezeki yang dia beri hanya dia yang tahu sebabnya, punca disebaliknya, hikmahnya. Other peoples have their own way to manage things in life. How they control their emotions. Their attitudes with others. If you recognise it's all in a cycle. It's either happening to you or it happens to others. You seek for others or others seek for you. So it's you decide which side you wanna to be. </div>
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I saw her strength. I'm starting to understand everything that she done to her life. Every decisions that she makes. I saw anger, i saw sadness. Little happiness. Love and kindness to others. When i was stupid back then, i thought she was just too emotional. She drag things and make it worst. But now i'm close to her. So close. I can say we start to negotiate things. reached understandings. Less arguments i suppose. But i started to have the hatred more than her. I understand her decisions. But i know, it's not her desire. It's not what her heart say so. It's what good for others. I know she can't take it anymore. But she have to, she don't have any other alternative to choose. No other route to run away. What is she holding on to is what she have left. </div>
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I know, i'm experiencing the same kind of life like hers. But she has been there for so long. twice my years of living. Prove that she is a superwomen. My superwomen. My mum. </div>
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<i><b>I'm here now mum. I'm here for you. </b></i></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-72051527284998576852014-07-10T02:54:00.001+08:002014-07-10T11:49:20.035+08:002.42 a.m <div style="text-align: justify;">
Despite that it's utterly hard to control myself from crying these few days because now i'm at home and it's hard for me to distract myself from some small shit and insecure, i manage to do well.</div>
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Like sometimes i think, things around me are not changing at all. I'm stuck at the stage or being a teenager. Having crisis to find a job right now. So yeah, there are like a roadblock for me to enter adulthood.</div>
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There are some nights where i just can't hold myself and break into pieces then i randomly blurred it out to any of my best friends. And there they are, being such a good friends being there for me, listen to my craps at 3 in the morning. How can i live without them. Sometimes i guess the only thing that stopping me from killing myself are my friends. Keep reminding me that it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to be a cry baby. Telling me that this is what He have decided for me and there's a reason all this things are happening to me. </div>
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And again, the idea of finishing degree is such a horror thing for me. Yeay because i finished all my papers. But nayyy, results are coming out soon enough. It's the thought of what is my last pointer for degree that is killing me right now. Like literally cutting through each of my bones and flesh. </div>
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<i><b>This is what bothering me right now. And how i wish by crying can make me feel better. And how i wish physically my friends are here for me. I miss them terribly. I just got tired. Tired of being angry. Tired of thinking about dead ends, and everything that isn’t or might not be enough.</b></i><div style="text-align: center;">
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<b><i>night</i></b></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-89528315658119600582014-07-05T04:07:00.000+08:002014-07-07T11:15:37.291+08:00I'm home. For good.<div style="text-align: center;">
Like yeah, basically i just barely have time to be all being rajin and everything. I managed to unpacked my stuff like 98%. Left just my cloths and tudungs in the box. It's either i need to re-organise my wardrobe or buy a new drawer or something. But i don't think a new drawer will fit in my room. Enough with the two beds that make my room already packed and everything. If and only if somehow i can convince mum to let me buy new furniture for my room and throw out her antique and old wardrobe and bed. There are boxes that are filled with mum's old stuff and some school books stuck in my room. When i told mum to throw it, she was like 'i need all of them after ibu pencen' -_- I was like, 'for what lahhhh' I swear to you 40% space in my room are actually not my stuff. it consist of grandma's, mum's stuff and some old books and documents of hers.</div>
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And i'm home, for good. Like currently sending off resumes for work, being such a lazy ass wake up so late everyday, make plans like wanna go jogging and swimming and wanna start to learn how to cook or baked but i'll end up sitting on my bed doing nothing. Do the laundry but haven't touch the vacuum yet. That kind of 'i'm really home for good' kind of activities'.My top priorities is to learn how to cook and look for jobs. We can cut out jobs from my daily routine for a while, wen't for and interview at my old place and eventually i think i got the job. Like in a week or two i'll be employed. But then, i wanna try my luck in other place. Was so comfortable doing audit works, not sure if i'm capable on doing others like accounts. Can't really believe that i'm now blogging about works. I'm an adult. true adult that soon going to start pay my own cars, responsible on taking care of mum and dad. Lighten their burden and everything. Was looking forward for this moment for a very long time btw. I even planned to bring them for vacation this year with my own salary. Can't remember when was the last time we spent some time together. Really. </div>
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On the other hand, about the cooking. Neh, give it time. Hahaha. </div>
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I can't wait to make plans with them sweethearts. I miss my friends so much. </div>
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<br />fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-32360107023064326162014-07-05T04:06:00.004+08:002014-07-05T04:06:35.527+08:00Thought<div style="text-align: center;">
<i>The thought about my exam results scare the shit out of me, I really really really wanna finish study and graduate this year. All is well fatin, all is well. </i></div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-9848707497029518662014-07-03T14:05:00.003+08:002014-07-03T14:05:31.787+08:00It wont hurt much<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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These feelings, was not meant to stay. I knew it when the first time i experienced it.When at some point, you knew it was wrong at was not meant for you. Because you're too familiar with this kind of feelings. You knew it earlier before you get into trouble by falling into these kind of mixed feelings. The kind of where people are being too nice to you and sometimes it mislead you to some sort of whatever kind of feelings it leads to, this kills you doesn't it. But when you are familiar with it, it's either to stop yourself to feel it or let it be. Not sure it's a curse or is it a good thing, but i'm more kind of person who's willing to take the risk. The risk of getting hurt. Just logging to that feelings and emotion.<br /><br />And soon, in times, it either heals or it leads to somewhere. Somewhere unknown. </div>
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<i>Leave me with the last memories of us are good enough to make me happy and craving to re-imagine it in my head and makes me smile. :')</i></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-44696047791778797692014-06-14T07:52:00.003+08:002014-06-14T07:52:40.322+08:00Take a break <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Because i used to worry so much. I still am. When i'm all alone, doing nothing or stuck doing something i tend to stress out. I guess everyone does. I used to be this depress little girl that don't really know how to have fun. Maybe because i don't really have transport to move around. The decent thing i can do before was went out for a shopping and movies all by myself. The real truth, each day, peoples are suffocating themselves to not to live in a sad and depressing life. When problems come hitting you and you just don't really know what to do, it take times and things will eventually put itself together. You just enjoy every bit things that is happening to you without second thought. It's like being positive and say 'let's do it'. Turn the other way around. You just don't want people to see you have a sad and depressing life right. Let them see you enjoy being alive. People will wonder. And you know what, they will never ever can guess what kind of life you're living it. And that is the point of doing all of these. Knowing by trying hard to worry so much,why not just enjoy and take the best out of it. </div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-72335282074401927742014-06-13T00:01:00.003+08:002014-06-13T00:01:59.300+08:00I don't feel good<div style="text-align: center;">
It felt like i'm getting closer to the real reality. I'm living one now. Currently finishing my degree life for good. But what's next? Adulthood. Hold on there. I knew where i was going, but i never thought that it would be this fast. I mean like really. In few weeks i might start working. Being an adult, responsible to pay bills, to make a loan and buy a house, to actually find my ow money so i can feed myself. I don't see the word 'fun' in the word 'adulthood'. I can feel the word 'responsible creeping under my skin, making nest on my bones. I'm not saying that i'm not ready. In fact i'm eager to see my capabilities being a women. Perhaps a successful one. Seeing mum and dad work so hard, earning money for the family and help me and my brother get through university life was a pain in my heart. Because i know it is tough. Within this mixed feelings of mine, i'm glad that eventually i'll be the first daughter of them to help and ease the pain. Better, i wish i could take the pain raising me and my two brothers or i can see us three retards for good. It's kinda scary thou. The idea of everything. Intern was fun. It's like a pre experience being in adulthood. That was intern. This time is the word 'working'. More money, more responsibility and i just hope i manage to not turn myself into a completely freaky workaholics. I can see myself being one during intern. The possibility for it to happen is kinda high. I might just make the best out of it then. <br /><br />It's not that easy. Being the eldest. The only daughter. Did i mention the eldest. Yup twice. I nag on my blog about life. It's hard enough for now. We surviving study life with all the craps and shitz stuff. But being responsible on something, where it's utterly different from being a student of course will change everything. The way you talk to people. The way you dress. The way you represent yourself. The way you act to people around you. </div>
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I sound so serious right now. </div>
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I need to stop worrying about stuff. </div>
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<b><i>Life, Surprise me. but don't scare the shit out of me that hard okay? </i></b></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-4646159913357323382014-06-11T23:05:00.002+08:002014-06-12T15:30:15.351+08:00Exam<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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First paper was today. Wednesday</div>
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Next will be tomorrow. 2 papers straight. <br />
AND MY LAST PAPER WILL BE ON NEXT MONDAY</div>
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AND I'LL BE FREE FROM EXAM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFEEEEEEEE. <b>i hope. </b></div>
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So proud of myself that I've survived degree life. 4 years of *think* no words can't actually describe how my life has been. Ending this for good? I'm so happy and sad at the same time.<br />
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-43339360763118685562014-06-11T23:01:00.001+08:002014-06-11T23:01:54.955+08:00'awhhh'<div style="text-align: center;">
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Lately, i've been making this gesture or more like a sound like 'awhhhh' or 'nawhhhh' when i watch love stories or even a short scene that i think is romantic and adorable. Especially with cute guys in it. The photo above is from a scene from the movie Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. I print screen for the sake of this blog.It was actually my favorite part of the movie. Where the dialog was 'hold my hands you muppet'. I've been watching this scene on repeat for few days now. </div>
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So how was it? to be love again? I see love come and go. People fight over it. People crave for it. People did nothing about it. Because i think, lots of love movies out there eventually came out with a happy ending kind of stories. And that is what i like most about it. Movies, where you know it will end. How about life? Seeing peoples be in love. fight because of love. It's like its nature. Where you can and cannot control it at the same time. Where you can be happy, sad, excited, mad all at once. Where when it's beautiful, you just wish that it will stay. And when it's in horror, you wish to just scream it all away. Loves makes life better and worst. I saw both. Experience both? Everyday i guess. </div>
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I'm not sure why am i writing this. But i guess it just hit me. I saw some peoples that i care change. Better and worst. Falling in love and out to. It kept me think. And this is confusing. I should stop.</div>
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during the upper scene, they played this song. LOVED IT.</div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-3710000592648992902014-05-28T01:42:00.000+08:002014-05-28T01:58:15.238+08:00One last time<div style="text-align: center;">
It was not easy and it was not hard either. </div>
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to fall in love and be happy. </div>
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I know it was wrong. In so many level. I know i was lost. I'm awake. I know it's going to hurt. But i let it be.</div>
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I know you were looking at me. And i want you to look and me. I don't know what is this. Is it real, or just you being you. It's like I'm falling all over again and i let myself fall. I just don't know why I'm letting myself do this. or maybe because it's either this or nothing.</div>
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<i>Before this is over, let me have one more moment with you. I want to look deep into your eyes and be the happiest girl alive. <br />even for a while. </i></div>
fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2106341026902318910.post-72477690556616009882014-05-13T22:47:00.000+08:002014-05-13T22:47:13.995+08:00feel.<div style="text-align: center;">
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Terima kasih pernah datang,</div>
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lalu menghilang.</div>
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Terima kasih pernah ada, lalu tiada.</div>
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Terima kasih pernah menghibur, lalu kabur.</div>
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Namun aku tetap yakin, segala yang diaturkan oleh Allah dalam kehidupan ini semuanya akan memberikan hikmah diluar jangkaan kita. </div>
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<i>I guess, sometimes there's always a reason you feel alone. But when you close your eyes and open your heart, you going to feel there always be something that can make you feel. Doesn't matter what kind of feelings you are having. But you're alive. And you must be thankful for that. </i></div>
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<b>I am </b></div>
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fatinlullabyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09226255824629488242noreply@blogger.com0